Old Fashioned – Movie Review

Old Fashioned – PG-13
Release Date: Fri 13 Feb 2015

Old Fashioned would have you believe that it is a story of two people trying to have an old-fashioned courtship: No physical contact, strict boundaries, and lots of exercises in pre-marital Christian counseling.

Instead, writer/director/star Rik Swartzwelder has made a sloppy, manipulative vanity piece that seems to forget that it has a female lead character to develop, let alone a relationship. So they don’t jump into bed together – that’s hardly the issue here. Clay (Swartzwelder) follows a stringent set of rules including not allowing himself to be alone in the same room as a woman. This starts out as something interesting to Amber (Elizabeth Ann Roberts), but unfortunately her character has only two settings: intrigued and enamored with this strange man or giving up hope that things can work out and running away.

The movie forgets to resolve this issue. Clay’s wise old aunt helps turn him around and sets in motion a horrifying surprise engagement sequence straight out of a slasher film. Amber, who we’ve seen in a montage apparently packing up and moving (or moved away?) is suddenly back at her apartment and ALL SMILES as Clay’s friend shows up to chauffeur her through town to get flowers, a dress and a proposal in the baby food aisle. Why the sudden change of heart? Because the writer forgot to give her a heart. She’s just there to ask questions of the tortured yet “captivating” Clay.

“What, did you find Jesus?” she asks at one point. “More like he found me.” Jesus wept, this movie is awful.

Hannah and I saw it in the theater and had a discussion in the car: